A queerplatonic relationship is a partnership which does not fit the "traditional" models of friendships or romantic relationships.[2][3][4] Queerplatonic relationships often have characteristics commonly associated with romantic relationships, such as deep emotional intimacy, prioritization, and commitment,[2][3][4][5] while still defying a "platonic or romantic" categorization.[2] Queerplatonic relationships have a flexible dynamic, and each relationship is tailored to the needs of the individuals involved, with no outside societal expectations or guidelines to follow.[6][7]
Some definitions of queerplatonic relationships specify being non-sexual,[3][4][5][6][7] but not necessarily non-physical.[2][6][7] Queerplatonic partners may engage in physical intimacy, such as hugging, kissing, and holding hands, without it being considered sexual or escalating into sexual activity.[2][6] However, physical intimacy of any sort is not necessarily required or expected in queerplatonic relationships.[6] Additionally, while uncommon, queerplatonic relationships can sometimes involve sex or sexual elements; it entirely depends on the boundaries set by the partners involved.[7][8][9]
Many queerplatonic relationships involve someone who is within the asexual and/or aromantic spectra,[2][6][7][10] but people in them may be of any sexual/romantic orientation or gender.[2][5][6][7][10] Cishet people in these relationships may prefer terms like quasiplatonic, rather than queerplatonic, due to the associations the word "queer" has with LGBTQIA+ identities. People may also prefer terms like quasiplatonic when their QPR includes sexual elements, due to the associations "queerplatonic" often has with a strict lack of sexual involvement.[7]
Etymology[]
I kind of like queerplatonic as a definer for the attraction I feel to my zucchini; it neatly avoids discussing the gender of either party involved, while emphasizing the idea that it is a deep (almost symbiotic in some ways) emotional connection that transcends what I think of as friendship.
S.E. Smith about their coined term
In 2010, an asexual named Kaz posed a question regarding zer relationship - or "not!GF" as ze referred to her. In the comments, an aromantic asexual named S.E. Smith introduced the term "queerplatonic". Kaz seized onto it and proceeded to discuss the topic with S.E.[11]
In 2011, S.E. created a post on Tumblr to introduce the term. It was coined for "relationships that are not romantic, that are also not friendships, and that play an important role in your life". They pressed that queerplatonic is an umbrella term that "encompasses many different types of relationship, rather than being rigid; it’s fluid!". They continued to post it on their wordpress website. The term spread from there, with many bloggers using and adapting the term to fit their needs. In 2012, S.E. wrote a longer post about queerplatonic partnerships. They wrote about the importance of citing their and Kaz's contributions to the coining of the word.[11]
By 2014, the term began to spread even further, reaching websites such as AVEN[12], The Huffington Post[13], The Good Men Project[14], and Julie Sondra Decker's book The Invisible Orientation. The book has a short section on queerplatonic relationships on pages 24-25[11]
The term originated with aromantic and asexual communities[4] but the term is now used by other LGBTQ+ people[4] who are not a-spec.[10]
Community[]
Another QPR flag
A queerplatonic relationship can be a relationship involving two or more people of any gender.[10][15] "Queerplatonic relationships, and the language used to describe them, are an alternative to heteronormative relationships" and the "assumption that everyone wants romantic" and/or "sexual relationships."[3] "It bends", "changes", and challenges Western culture's understanding of "monogamous or committed relationships". It involves "more than just friendship or romance", but a deep mutual trust, "emotional closeness and loyalty usually found in a romantic relationship".[1]
"Asexual and aromantic people might find utility in naming their significant relationships queerplatonic instead of using words that imply a sexual or romantic connection."[3] Some queerplatonic partners live together, platonically marry, and have no romantic or sexual relations. It can be a way to fulfill a desire for emotional intimacy without compromising an aromantic identity.[16] Additionally, queerplatonic intimacy varies in how it appears. It "might look like platonic physical affection - literally sleeping together, living together, co-parenting",[3] sharing finances, pooling resources and/or blending families, and even marriage or children.[17][18]
"Queerplatonic relationship structures tend to be non-exclusive, but can follow any model which feels right for the people involved."[3] The amount of mutual intimacy in a queerplatonic relationship is determined by the individuals in the relationship.[15]
History[]
Romantic friendship[]
"Romantic friendship" is a term coined in the 19th century to describe a kind of emotionally intense, usually nonsexual friendship in different civilizations, usually between members of the same sex, and usually between women. Such friendships offered emotional support and companionship in a society where women had few freedoms.[19]
Meanwhile, men saw themselves needing the assistance of other men to realize their great material passions, and they foster "muscle values" and "rational values" to the exclusion of women. Women were forced to form their own communities, and so, began the era of passionate love without sexual gratification. The college slang terms became "smashes, crushes, or spoons".[20]
College culture[]
By the early 20th century, women had access to quality higher education, which allowed for broader opportunities. A culture of romantic friendship became fostered in women’s colleges. Older students mentored younger ones, called on them socially, took them to all-women dances. Other gestures including sending one another flowers, cards, and poems that declared their undying love for each other. They were written about frankly in college publications such as Ladies Home Journal, Smit College Stories, and more - all without negative views. What is most notable is that sexual acts were consistently absent.[19]
Modern times[]
A study in 2007 discussed queerplatonic relationships without using the term "queerplatonic". It explored "non-sexual, passionate friendships" between women. Fourteen women responded to the open-ended interview questions, including two women who had been in a "passionate friendship" for 17 years. Another woman described her 26 years of friendship with a woman. One response included women who held an unofficial marriage ceremony in order to share the depth of their commitment to one another in front of family and friends. The women found these passionate friendships to be "unique, meaningful, and committed". The experienced "similar themes to 'traditional' intimate relationships, such as emotional growth and identity development fostered by friendship, jealousy, break-ups, and shifts and changes in the relationship". The interviewees shared a desire to have language that adequately described their intense friendships, as language helps one to express herself and helps create a culture that celebrates the nature of these relationships. Words like "roommate" and "best friend" do not quite fit, while terms like "soul sister", "soul companion", or "other-half" better express the intensity of their relationships.[21]
In 2015, many noted that a broader discussion around queerplatonic relationships is needed, as the lack of media representation of these relationships and bonds contributes to people struggling to find an identity that works for them.[22]
Terms of endearment[]
Zucchini[]
"Queerplatonic partners sometimes refer to one another as 'zucchinis'". It is an alternative to the term "'friend,' which downplays intimacy", and "'partners', which suggests a romantic or sexual relationship".[3]
Zucchini is a non-romantic noun used to describe someone in an "intimate, non-sexual relationship". The term "started as a joke term in the aromantic and asexual communities in the 2000s to highlight how there are no appropriate terms for describing significant, intimate relationships and love that are not romantic or sexual. The creation of zucchini shows a frustration with" societal expectations for a relationship, "or the assumption that romantic and sexual relationships are universally desired and the most important intimate bonds" formed.[3]
Squish[]
"Squish is a platonic, or aromantic, crush. The term was developed by the aromantic and asexual communities to describe their non-romantic and non-sexual feelings of attraction, and to highlight that love and infatuation are not necessarily tied to romance or lust."[3]
References[]
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